sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
how drunk are you?
Several
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
