Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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