KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
