i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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