So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
