her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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