Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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