life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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