Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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