dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
is wine microwaveable?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
