There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
