I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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