I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize