Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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