I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
