The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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