did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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