if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
