I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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