TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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