I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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