Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
