i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
smell my finger.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
