I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
