So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
