I skipped work to stalk him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
