I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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