Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
