I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
