gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
