question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
