hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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