Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
