Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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