Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
