im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
