i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Did we literally take a cab across the street
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
