I can text with my tongue
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
