new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
even my farts smell like vagina
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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