The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The cops high fived after they tackled you
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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