I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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