you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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