youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
