How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize