So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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