Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
