my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize