So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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