I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
