Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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