It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
