wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
