I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
