So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize