remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
