dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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