did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We are all done wearing pants today
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
