woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
